Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Can't We All Just Get Along?

I have a bone to pick with women. Such a fine and fascinating species we are. We are so smart and so talented and so wonderful. We set the tone of our household. We keep things interesting. We love to share and communicate what we feel. We take care of others. We use big words. We can do almost anything. However, there is something that we do that drives me nuts. I will preface by saying that I am every bit as guilty as the next gal in what I am about to bring up…here goes...Why are we so judgemental towards each other on the issues of childbirth and to stay at home with kids or to not stay at home with kids? Sheesh! I am learning this first hand every single day now that I am expecting. I hear a new comment every single day!

I have to admit, I used to be the first to say, “A water birth? Are you freaking insane?? You are asking for a disaster!” I would have said that to a casual person, knowing full well I have no experience of what labor is like at all anyway. Who am I to call them crazy? I tell people I WOULD LIKE TO TRY TO GO NATURAL WITH NO MEDS. I wish I would start carrying a camera around to tape people’s faces. I wish I could draw them right now. It is unreal. I mean, I am not opposed to getting one if I start to crawl the walls, I am definitely having an open mind. Hey, I KNOW it is going to be the worst pain of my life, but in a sick way…that is why I want to feel it! I really don’t feel the need to explain the latter part to everyone though-I just go on and let them think I am a pilgrim. Then, there is the whole C-section thing. Sometimes, it has to happen. Sometimes, it is elective. Who cares. It is safe. It is a somewhat longer recovery with a scar, but does it really matter? Not really. The baby comes out, the mother loves the baby. All is well. Can’t we just keep our own experiences out of the scenario??

Same thing goes for going back to work or not. If you can’t stay home, it’s OK! If you can stay home, but want to work, it’s OK! If you can stay home and want to try it out-it’s OK too! Ultimately, YOU and your husband are the ones taking the responsibility and know how your family will work best. And guess what…there is always room for change if something does not work out! It’s a win-win-win (The Office) situation!! Don’t even get me started on breastfeeding/bottle feeding!

By the way, I am not angry at all in writing this. I am actually 100% confident in my decisions to TRY a natural birth (keeping a door open for a wonderful epidural) and to stay home with my baby for a few years until school comes. I will still be doing things I love like teaching aerobics and taking up new hobbies! It’s just that I see sooo many of my friends feeling inadequate for decisions that they make regarding their lives and what is best for their families. Most of the time it is flippant remarks from people that they will never seek counsel or advice from again! My charge to everyone is that we would be easy on each other. Parenting and change is hard enough on everyone, let’s encourage one another and not question each other’s abilities. Let’s stop making people feel inferior and make these things rich and wonderful! I would like your thoughts on the matter. You can oppose me, by the way!

1 Thessalonians 5:11
“Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.”

17 comments:

Corrie said...

So eloquent, Nick. You KNOW I've had similar thoughts and "qualms" with women in the past. There is no one way that is ALWAYS best for everyone. Period.

Corrie said...

One more thing...I think the words that hurt the most come from well-meaning people who say, "Well, CHRISTIAN moms should do it this way" or "If you really loved your kid you would do this and not this..." THOSE are the kinds of comments that make people insecure in their decisions. Who can say those things? I truly believe it comes from people who are insecure about their OWN choices.

Melissa said...

I SO hear you on this! :) It seems that when it comes to pregnancy and children, everyone has there opinions on how things have been done, and very few people understand that it is not their job to persuade others that their opinions is the ONLY right way... It's is so frustrating and something that you always see so much more clearly when you are pregnant. It's really crazy.

That being said, I want to encourage you in your decision (since very few people probably will) that having a natural birth is very possible, and actually can be fun, if it is the way you want to do it. I did, and LOVED it! Yes, it was the hardest thing I have ever done, and I was in SO much pain, but I felt really great, even in pain, and right after it was over, I felt SO good! I'm even crazy enough that I'm planning to do it again. :) I will also say that none of my friends, even those that had planned to, had a natural, unmedicated birth, and all of them are very happy with their situations too...so, to each her own! :) We all have happy, healthy babies! :) I really think the best birth is one that you are happy with in the end, even if your "birth plan" changes several times over.

Anonymous said...

If you really loved your kids you would eat them.

brent

Nicki W. said...

great thoughts, ladies! i am glad you feel the same way. like i said, i know i have said things to people before, passing judgement on their choices. now, i realize how hurtful it can sometimes be!

ps. sorry for my husband's weird comment.

Molly said...

I LOVE this post. Being a new mom, I have dealt with every single one of those issues. You are 100% correct in saying that the best decisions are the ones that you and your husband make together for what is best for your family. Remember - you, Brent, and Tristan are a family now! With every decision you make, there will always be someone that does the opposite; you will never have everyone's "approval". I am so proud of you doing what YOU want!!

lauren said...

Amen, sista!! I hate talking with people in which you end up feeling judged when the conversation is over. As long as you unselfishly love your child, you're the best mommy you can be and the rest just falls into place! I'm with you on natural childbirth. I wasn't planning on it, but I plan to do it with the rest of mine. I had indescribable pain, where I thought I wasn't going to make it through it, but I loved knowing that I experienced what women since the beginning of time had experienced and felt SO good when it was over. I don't think anyone's wrong, though, for not wanting that pain, either! All of that stuff is really none of people's business, unless they feel like sharing. I try not to even ask, although sometimes it just comes out without thinking! Thanks for this post!

kelly 's a riot said...

yea--bring it on! great post! i think the wateraerobics ladies are a little scared of us now and mostly likely won't (thank the Lord!) give us their two cents!!! i do, however, like all the extra attention pregnancy brings--just wish it could all be positive!

Nicki W. said...

l,
you are the woman for enduring thru the pain...i always think that if my mom and lar can do it, i can too!

kel,
water aerobics ladies will not ask us anything about birth! hahaha! after taking class, i think a water birth seems pretty nice! i'll let you try that one out :)
i will say, you do get a lot of attention and nice sympathy with pregnancy! i will be sad when it is over. the other day, i got a massage thing at a "yankee swap" and no one would take it from me b/c of my "condition"! ha!

PandaMom said...

Hi, I got to your blog through Lazi's Life (which was through someone else) I saw that you went to BU and that you attend Highland. I am originally from Waco and went to BU. Grad in 93 so I am a bit older, but I thought it a small world in this big cyberspace since you go to Highland and we are friends with Ronnie and Kylie. Are they still the Youth Pastor? Hope to hear from you...; )

Nicki W. said...

panda mom,

yes, yes, yes! i graduated from bu in '02- i went to highschool and college with kylie. we were in the same sorority! they are at highland and doing a fabulous job as our youth ministers!

lauren said...

Thanks, Nic. You kind of have no choice in the matter! If you ever want to know more about how it'll be, I'm here! You might not want to know, though! :)

Nicki W. said...

l,
i recall what you shared with me and it was enough...something to the effect of "it was like getting my leg shot off in a war"...enough said!

lauren said...

I'm laughing out loud!! I forgot I said that...I think I've forgotten how much pain I was really in! Not all natural childbirth is that bad, though, so don't get too scared by my comment. Mine just happened to be really fast and intense...never giving me a break. Not to mention having an 8 1/2 pounder coming out! Yeah...I might not be the one to talk to about it! ;)

Audrey T said...

Amen, Nicki! The decisions we make for our families are what we believe in our hearts to be best for our families. My favorite question has been, "Did you plan this?" Well, if we did or we didn't, it's none of your beeswax!

laura said...

Amen and again, girl! LOVE this blog! I am not even pregnant yet and the few people I have told I want a natural birth look at me like I am out of my mind. I've heard such great things about the recovery, and I guess b/c my mom chose to do it with me, I have a little bit of curiousity, enough to at least try it! Anyways, I am so with you on doing what you believe is best with your hub and being at peace with it...we are all created differently and will make different decisions. I have gotten some flack for possibly not working full-time next year b/c of Adam's work at the church, so we are once again learning to ignore the comments that aren't productive and keep our eyes on God! Love you!

Kimberly said...

Love this blog! Many times I have had to bite my tongue in response to someone's comments about our decisions for our child already! Bug bug bug! I remember Corrie commenting on one of my blogs encouraging me not to care so much about other's thoughts on my decisions and I have to remind myself that what I choose is best at the time and get over and on with it.
I say more power to you for whatever you want to do because I know you'll be a great mommy!